Image

Humerous Phrases...

Post your humorous risk assessments, health and safety jokes or funny stories of health and safety goings on in your part of the country. KEEP IT CLEAN PLEASE!

Moderator: Moderators

User avatar
wendolene26
HSfB Moderator
HSfB Moderator
Posts: 2441
Joined: Tue Jan 17, 2012 10:46 pm
12
Industry Sector: Oil and Gas / Renewables / Consultancy
Location: Aberdeen
Has thanked: 13 times
Been thanked: 107 times

Re: Humerous Phrases...

Post by wendolene26 »

One that's been used in our office frequently this week is "that won't fly" (meaning approval won't be granted)

I feel like singing the Orville song.... I wish I could fly..... right up to the sky...... but I can't.
You are only a millimetre or a millisecond away from the next incident.
User avatar
NGC
Jnr Member
Jnr Member
Posts: 159
Joined: Wed Jan 27, 2016 7:39 am
8
Occupation: H&S

Re: Humerous Phrases...

Post by NGC »

wendolene26 wrote:One that's been used in our office frequently this week is "that won't fly" (meaning approval won't be granted)

I feel like singing the Orville song.... I wish I could fly..... right up to the sky...... but I can't.
You can!
gillmbarker
Newbie
Newbie
Posts: 18
Joined: Thu Jul 31, 2014 1:50 pm
9

Re: Humerous Phrases...

Post by gillmbarker »

An ex boss of mine used to say, when coming up against resistance, JFDI (Just Do It). I confess it's one I now use myself far more than I should need to!!
Last edited by Alexis on Fri Oct 14, 2016 3:10 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: Sorry but removed expletives as per our ICRA status.
User avatar
kevlarion
Blue Sky Moderator
Blue Sky Moderator
Posts: 1968
Joined: Fri Jul 10, 2009 3:20 pm
14
Occupation: QHSE Manager
Location: Glasgow
Has thanked: 1 time
Been thanked: 34 times
Contact:

Re: Humerous Phrases...

Post by kevlarion »

  • Take a number! (when I'm too busy)
  • Can you repeat that in human ? (usually when someone is getting too technical)
  • That won't scan! (from Bourne films)
  • Where do you want the flowers sent ? (when I have to reprimand someone in a workshop for putting perceived production targets before their own or other people's safety)
  • If you want to float an idea join the navy.
  • Driftwood ! (used as a name, as in "Manuel !")
  • What do you want to be when you grow up ?
  • Taking the long view of the big picture going forwards we should stop using TLAs and tired american cliches, instead thinking outside of the box and being more proactive in order to work smarter instead of harder and ensuring a positive outcome for everyone. (Usually followed by a statement about excrement.)
  • If I wanted to smell bull**** I would work on a farm.
  • My crystal ball isn't online at the moment.
  • Have you seen that new reality show "Can't Think, Won't Think" ?
  • Donde esta la cerveza ? (where is the beer)
  • You'll get an embarrasing rash (when I'm reprimanding someone for breaking COSHH controls)
But the most important thing I ever say is "Thankyou"
If it isn't broken, that doesn't mean you can't improve it. (Do three negatives make a positive ?)
User avatar
kevlarion
Blue Sky Moderator
Blue Sky Moderator
Posts: 1968
Joined: Fri Jul 10, 2009 3:20 pm
14
Occupation: QHSE Manager
Location: Glasgow
Has thanked: 1 time
Been thanked: 34 times
Contact:

Re: Humerous Phrases...

Post by kevlarion »

It's a computer, a jumped up abacus, a pocket calculator with delusions of granduer...
If excel was meant to collect data it would be called a database, like access is.
If excel was meant for writing reports it would be called a word processor... like word is.
You did a drawing on powerpoint ? Is it to scale ?
Use the microsoft fix... if it's not doing what you want, switch it off and on again.
If it's still not working, just switch it off and use a pen(cil).
Have you fed the mouse ?
There it is ! (pointing in a random direction)
Have you considered the possibility that the computer might not be the problem ?
If it isn't broken, that doesn't mean you can't improve it. (Do three negatives make a positive ?)
User avatar
grim72
Anorak Extraordinaire
Anorak Extraordinaire
Posts: 686
Joined: Fri Aug 20, 2010 3:53 pm
13
Twitter: goodtogosafety
Industry Sector: Safety inspection systems
Location: UK
Has thanked: 4 times
Been thanked: 79 times
Contact:

Re: Humerous Phrases...

Post by grim72 »

Reading through some of these makes me wonder if this is where David Brent gets his schooling :-) Speaking of which there are more than a few more cringeworthy ones courtesy of him here: http://www.allgreatquotes.com/david_brent_quotes.shtml" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;

Incidentally "low hanging fruits" is a personal irritation, I break out in a cold sweat every time I hear someone mutter that nugget.
Grim72
Good to Go Safety - Providing you with a safer workplace

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when you criticize him, you're a mile away and you have his shoes
Paul from Ilkley
Newbie
Newbie
Posts: 19
Joined: Mon Mar 17, 2014 7:34 pm
10
Industry Sector: Fuel/Oil distribution
Occupation: H&S Advisor, DGSA, PDP/CPC/Driver Trainer
Location: Ilkley

Re: Humerous Phrases...

Post by Paul from Ilkley »

One of my workmates favourites is the aforementioned 'there's no i in team', to which I reply, 'no but there is an M and an E !.
User avatar
Alexis
Official HSfB Legend
Official HSfB Legend
Posts: 48798
Joined: Thu Mar 18, 2004 10:52 am
20
Twitter: https://twitter.com/AlexisHSfB
Location: West Lothian
Has thanked: 2779 times
Been thanked: 334 times
Contact:

Re: Humerous Phrases...

Post by Alexis »

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
"A candle loses none of its light by lighting another candle."

Image

Hundreds of FREE Health & Safety Downloads Here
Mat
Member
Member
Posts: 274
Joined: Fri Jul 11, 2014 1:06 pm
9

Re: Humerous Phrases...

Post by Mat »

wendolene26 wrote:The early bird gets the worm........


........but the early worm gets got!
Post Reply

 

Access Croner-i Navigate Safety-Lite here for free

HSfB Facebook Group Follow us on Twitter Find us on Facebook Find us on on LinkedIn

Terms of Use Privacy Policy