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Humerous Phrases...

Post your humorous risk assessments, health and safety jokes or funny stories of health and safety goings on in your part of the country. KEEP IT CLEAN PLEASE!

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wendolene26
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Re: Humerous Phrases...

Post by wendolene26 » Fri Sep 16, 2016 12:54 pm

One that's been used in our office frequently this week is "that won't fly" (meaning approval won't be granted)

I feel like singing the Orville song.... I wish I could fly..... right up to the sky...... but I can't.
You are only a millimetre or a millisecond away from the next incident.

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Re: Humerous Phrases...

Post by NGC » Sat Sep 17, 2016 4:00 pm

wendolene26 wrote:One that's been used in our office frequently this week is "that won't fly" (meaning approval won't be granted)

I feel like singing the Orville song.... I wish I could fly..... right up to the sky...... but I can't.
You can!
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Re: Humerous Phrases...

Post by gillmbarker » Fri Oct 14, 2016 3:05 pm

An ex boss of mine used to say, when coming up against resistance, JFDI (Just Do It). I confess it's one I now use myself far more than I should need to!!
Last edited by Alexis on Fri Oct 14, 2016 3:10 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: Sorry but removed expletives as per our ICRA status.

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kevlarion
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Re: Humerous Phrases...

Post by kevlarion » Fri Oct 14, 2016 4:19 pm

  • Take a number! (when I'm too busy)
  • Can you repeat that in human ? (usually when someone is getting too technical)
  • That won't scan! (from Bourne films)
  • Where do you want the flowers sent ? (when I have to reprimand someone in a workshop for putting perceived production targets before their own or other people's safety)
  • If you want to float an idea join the navy.
  • Driftwood ! (used as a name, as in "Manuel !")
  • What do you want to be when you grow up ?
  • Taking the long view of the big picture going forwards we should stop using TLAs and tired american cliches, instead thinking outside of the box and being more proactive in order to work smarter instead of harder and ensuring a positive outcome for everyone. (Usually followed by a statement about excrement.)
  • If I wanted to smell bull**** I would work on a farm.
  • My crystal ball isn't online at the moment.
  • Have you seen that new reality show "Can't Think, Won't Think" ?
  • Donde esta la cerveza ? (where is the beer)
  • You'll get an embarrasing rash (when I'm reprimanding someone for breaking COSHH controls)
But the most important thing I ever say is "Thankyou"
If it isn't broken, that doesn't mean you can't improve it. (Do three negatives make a positive ?)

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kevlarion
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Re: Humerous Phrases...

Post by kevlarion » Fri Oct 14, 2016 4:41 pm

It's a computer, a jumped up abacus, a pocket calculator with delusions of granduer...
If excel was meant to collect data it would be called a database, like access is.
If excel was meant for writing reports it would be called a word processor... like word is.
You did a drawing on powerpoint ? Is it to scale ?
Use the microsoft fix... if it's not doing what you want, switch it off and on again.
If it's still not working, just switch it off and use a pen(cil).
Have you fed the mouse ?
There it is ! (pointing in a random direction)
Have you considered the possibility that the computer might not be the problem ?
If it isn't broken, that doesn't mean you can't improve it. (Do three negatives make a positive ?)


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grim72
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Re: Humerous Phrases...

Post by grim72 » Wed Oct 26, 2016 8:52 am

Reading through some of these makes me wonder if this is where David Brent gets his schooling :-) Speaking of which there are more than a few more cringeworthy ones courtesy of him here: http://www.allgreatquotes.com/david_brent_quotes.shtml" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;

Incidentally "low hanging fruits" is a personal irritation, I break out in a cold sweat every time I hear someone mutter that nugget.
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Re: Humerous Phrases...

Post by Paul from Ilkley » Mon Oct 31, 2016 9:45 pm

One of my workmates favourites is the aforementioned 'there's no i in team', to which I reply, 'no but there is an M and an E !.

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Re: Humerous Phrases...

Post by Alexis » Tue Nov 01, 2016 10:40 am

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
"A candle loses none of its light by lighting another candle."

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Re: Humerous Phrases...

Post by Mat » Fri Nov 04, 2016 12:13 pm

wendolene26 wrote:The early bird gets the worm........


........but the early worm gets got!

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