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Jokes only understood by the Scots

Post your humorous risk assessments, health and safety jokes or funny stories of health and safety goings on in your part of the country. KEEP IT CLEAN PLEASE!

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Alexis
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Jokes only understood by the Scots

Post by Alexis » Fri Feb 12, 2016 1:34 pm

Stole this from FB. https://www.facebook.com/All-Things-Sco ... 235111417/" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;

(Must be a Brummie ones somewhere. Anyone know where?)

A pregnant teenage girl phones her dad at midnight and says:
'Can you come and get me? I think ma water has broken.
'Okay,' says her dad. 'Where are you ringing fae?'
'Fae ma knickers tae ma feet.'

A Glasgow woman goes to the dentist and settles down in the chair.
'Comfy?'asks the dentist.
'Govan,' she replies.

A guy walks into an antiques shop and says: 'How much for the set of antlers?'
'Two hundred quid,' says the bloke behind the counter.
'That's affa dear,' says the guy.

Did you hear about the fella who liked eating bricks and cement?
He's a wa' noo.

After announcing he's getting married, a boy tells his pal he'll be wearing the kilt.
'And what's the tartan?' asks his mate.
'Oh, she'll be wearing a white dress.'

Ten cows in a field. Which one is closest to Iraq? Coo eight.

A Scotsman in London is having trouble phoning his sister from a telephone box.
So he calls the operator who asks in a plummy voice:
'Is there money in the box?'
'Naw, it's just me,' he replies.

While getting ready to go out, a wee wifie says to her husband: '
Do you think I'm getting a wee bit pigeon chested?'
And he says: 'Aye, but that's why I love you like a doo.'

What was the name of the first Scottish cowboy?
Hawkeye The Noo.

What do you call a pigeon that goes to Aviemore for its holidays?
A skean dhu.

How many Spanish guys does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just Juan.

A man takes a pair of shoes back to the shop and complains that there is a lace missing.
'No,' argues the assistant,
'look at the label - it says Taiwan ..'

Did you hear about the BBC Scotland series that features the queue for the toilets at Waverley Station?
It's called The Aw' Needin' Line.

While being interviewed for a job as a bus driver, a guy is asked:
'What would you do if you had a rowdy passenger?',
'I'd put him off at the next stop,' he says.
'Good. And what would you do if you couldn't get the fare?'
'I'd take the first two weeks in August,' he replies.

A Glasgow man - steaming and skint - is walking down Argyle Street when he spots a guy tinkering with the engine of his car!
'What's up Jimmy?' he asks.
'Piston broke,' he replies.
Aye, same as masel.
"A candle loses none of its light by lighting another candle."

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WillPool
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Re: Jokes only understood by the Scots

Post by WillPool » Fri Feb 12, 2016 1:38 pm

[smilie=smiley-faces11.gif] [smilie=smiley-faces11.gif]
It is better to be careful 100 times than to get killed once.
Mark Twain (1835 - 1910)

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Re: Jokes only understood by the Scots

Post by Zman » Fri Feb 12, 2016 2:04 pm

Well, that's cheered up a dull Friday afternoon :lol:

Only thing I can think of are those about my fellow countrymen, Tykes (Yorkshiremen to those of lower standing, which means everyone!):

A Yorkshireman's dog dies and as it was a favourite pet he decides to have a gold statue made to remember the dog by:
Yorkshireman: Can tha mek us a gold statue o' yond dog?
Jeweller: Do you want it 18 carat?
Yorkshireman: No I want it chewin' a bone yer daft beggar. ;)
It says "Press any key," where's the "any" key?

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Alexis
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Re: Jokes only understood by the Scots

Post by Alexis » Fri Feb 12, 2016 3:20 pm

:laughing3: That sounds like my Brother-in-law! clapclap clapclap
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Re: Jokes only understood by the Scots

Post by Zman » Fri Feb 12, 2016 3:59 pm

And, just to show no bias, one about cats - I like both cats and dogs but couldn't eat a whole one :o

A Yorkshireman visits the vets about his cat:

Vet: How can we help you today
Tyke: T'old cat ain't so grand
Vet: Is it a tom
Tyke: Nay lad, he's reet 'ere in't cage!
It says "Press any key," where's the "any" key?


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Alexis
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Re: Jokes only understood by the Scots

Post by Alexis » Sat Feb 13, 2016 8:44 am

clapclap clapclap clapclap :lol: Had to think about that one Z. :lol:
"A candle loses none of its light by lighting another candle."

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Re: Jokes only understood by the Scots

Post by juls » Wed Apr 13, 2016 3:08 pm

[smilie=smiley-faces11.gif] clapclap clapclap
I will never trust a statistic I haven't manipulated myself - Henri Poincaré

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Re: Jokes only understood by the Scots

Post by AdrianW » Wed May 11, 2016 1:03 pm

.scratch
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Re: Jokes only understood by the Scots

Post by WillPool » Wed May 11, 2016 1:13 pm

Is that a doughnut or a meringue?

No ye were right the first time ;)

Will .salut
It is better to be careful 100 times than to get killed once.
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Re: Jokes only understood by the Scots

Post by wendolene26 » Wed May 11, 2016 1:24 pm

WillPool wrote:Is that a doughnut or a meringue?

No ye were right the first time ;)

Will .salut
Please don't give up the day job :roll:
You are only a millimetre or a millisecond away from the next incident.

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WillPool
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Re: Jokes only understood by the Scots

Post by WillPool » Wed May 11, 2016 1:26 pm

wendolene26 wrote:
WillPool wrote:Is that a doughnut or a meringue?

No ye were right the first time ;)

Will .salut
Please don't give up the day job :roll:
Haha, a very old Andy Cameron joke, my Dad used to keep telling me ;)

Will .salut
It is better to be careful 100 times than to get killed once.
Mark Twain (1835 - 1910)

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Re: Jokes only understood by the Scots

Post by Alexis » Sun May 15, 2016 5:52 pm

WillPool wrote:
wendolene26 wrote:
WillPool wrote:Is that a doughnut or a meringue?

No ye were right the first time ;)

Will .salut
Please don't give up the day job :roll:
Haha, a very old Andy Cameron joke, my Dad used to keep telling me ;)

Will .salut
Your Dad and mine Will! :lol: :lol:
"A candle loses none of its light by lighting another candle."

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