Jokes only understood by the Scots
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- Alexis
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Jokes only understood by the Scots
Stole this from FB. https://www.facebook.com/All-Things-Sco ... 235111417/" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;
(Must be a Brummie ones somewhere. Anyone know where?)
A pregnant teenage girl phones her dad at midnight and says:
'Can you come and get me? I think ma water has broken.
'Okay,' says her dad. 'Where are you ringing fae?'
'Fae ma knickers tae ma feet.'
A Glasgow woman goes to the dentist and settles down in the chair.
'Comfy?'asks the dentist.
'Govan,' she replies.
A guy walks into an antiques shop and says: 'How much for the set of antlers?'
'Two hundred quid,' says the bloke behind the counter.
'That's affa dear,' says the guy.
Did you hear about the fella who liked eating and cement?
He's a wa' noo.
After announcing he's getting married, a boy tells his pal he'll be wearing the kilt.
'And what's the tartan?' asks his mate.
'Oh, she'll be wearing a white dress.'
Ten cows in a field. Which one is closest to Iraq? Coo eight.
A Scotsman in London is having trouble phoning his sister from a telephone box.
So he calls the operator who asks in a plummy voice:
'Is there money in the box?'
'Naw, it's just me,' he replies.
While getting ready to go out, a wee wifie says to her husband: '
Do you think I'm getting a wee bit pigeon chested?'
And he says: 'Aye, but that's why I love you like a doo.'
What was the name of the first Scottish cowboy?
Hawkeye The Noo.
What do you call a pigeon that goes to Aviemore for its holidays?
A skean dhu.
How many Spanish guys does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just Juan.
A man takes a pair of shoes back to the shop and complains that there is a lace missing.
'No,' argues the assistant,
'look at the label - it says Taiwan ..'
Did you hear about the BBC Scotland series that features the queue for the toilets at Waverley Station?
It's called The Aw' Needin' Line.
While being interviewed for a job as a bus driver, a guy is asked:
'What would you do if you had a rowdy passenger?',
'I'd put him off at the next stop,' he says.
'Good. And what would you do if you couldn't get the fare?'
'I'd take the first two weeks in August,' he replies.
A Glasgow man - steaming and skint - is walking down Argyle Street when he spots a guy tinkering with the engine of his car!
'What's up Jimmy?' he asks.
'Piston broke,' he replies.
Aye, same as masel.
(Must be a Brummie ones somewhere. Anyone know where?)
A pregnant teenage girl phones her dad at midnight and says:
'Can you come and get me? I think ma water has broken.
'Okay,' says her dad. 'Where are you ringing fae?'
'Fae ma knickers tae ma feet.'
A Glasgow woman goes to the dentist and settles down in the chair.
'Comfy?'asks the dentist.
'Govan,' she replies.
A guy walks into an antiques shop and says: 'How much for the set of antlers?'
'Two hundred quid,' says the bloke behind the counter.
'That's affa dear,' says the guy.
Did you hear about the fella who liked eating and cement?
He's a wa' noo.
After announcing he's getting married, a boy tells his pal he'll be wearing the kilt.
'And what's the tartan?' asks his mate.
'Oh, she'll be wearing a white dress.'
Ten cows in a field. Which one is closest to Iraq? Coo eight.
A Scotsman in London is having trouble phoning his sister from a telephone box.
So he calls the operator who asks in a plummy voice:
'Is there money in the box?'
'Naw, it's just me,' he replies.
While getting ready to go out, a wee wifie says to her husband: '
Do you think I'm getting a wee bit pigeon chested?'
And he says: 'Aye, but that's why I love you like a doo.'
What was the name of the first Scottish cowboy?
Hawkeye The Noo.
What do you call a pigeon that goes to Aviemore for its holidays?
A skean dhu.
How many Spanish guys does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just Juan.
A man takes a pair of shoes back to the shop and complains that there is a lace missing.
'No,' argues the assistant,
'look at the label - it says Taiwan ..'
Did you hear about the BBC Scotland series that features the queue for the toilets at Waverley Station?
It's called The Aw' Needin' Line.
While being interviewed for a job as a bus driver, a guy is asked:
'What would you do if you had a rowdy passenger?',
'I'd put him off at the next stop,' he says.
'Good. And what would you do if you couldn't get the fare?'
'I'd take the first two weeks in August,' he replies.
A Glasgow man - steaming and skint - is walking down Argyle Street when he spots a guy tinkering with the engine of his car!
'What's up Jimmy?' he asks.
'Piston broke,' he replies.
Aye, same as masel.
"A candle loses none of its light by lighting another candle."
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- WillPool
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Re: Jokes only understood by the Scots
It is better to be careful 100 times than to get killed once.
Mark Twain (1835 - 1910)
Mark Twain (1835 - 1910)
- Zman
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Re: Jokes only understood by the Scots
Well, that's cheered up a dull Friday afternoon
Only thing I can think of are those about my fellow countrymen, Tykes (Yorkshiremen to those of lower standing, which means everyone!):
A Yorkshireman's dog dies and as it was a favourite pet he decides to have a gold statue made to remember the dog by:
Yorkshireman: Can tha mek us a gold statue o' yond dog?
Jeweller: Do you want it 18 carat?
Yorkshireman: No I want it chewin' a bone yer daft beggar.
Only thing I can think of are those about my fellow countrymen, Tykes (Yorkshiremen to those of lower standing, which means everyone!):
A Yorkshireman's dog dies and as it was a favourite pet he decides to have a gold statue made to remember the dog by:
Yorkshireman: Can tha mek us a gold statue o' yond dog?
Jeweller: Do you want it 18 carat?
Yorkshireman: No I want it chewin' a bone yer daft beggar.
It says "Press any key," where's the "any" key?
- Alexis
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Re: Jokes only understood by the Scots
That sounds like my Brother-in-law!
"A candle loses none of its light by lighting another candle."
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- Zman
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Re: Jokes only understood by the Scots
And, just to show no bias, one about cats - I like both cats and dogs but couldn't eat a whole one
A Yorkshireman visits the vets about his cat:
Vet: How can we help you today
Tyke: T'old cat ain't so grand
Vet: Is it a tom
Tyke: Nay lad, he's reet 'ere in't cage!
A Yorkshireman visits the vets about his cat:
Vet: How can we help you today
Tyke: T'old cat ain't so grand
Vet: Is it a tom
Tyke: Nay lad, he's reet 'ere in't cage!
It says "Press any key," where's the "any" key?
- Alexis
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Re: Jokes only understood by the Scots
Had to think about that one Z.
"A candle loses none of its light by lighting another candle."
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- juls
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Re: Jokes only understood by the Scots
I will never trust a statistic I haven't manipulated myself - Henri Poincaré
- WillPool
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Re: Jokes only understood by the Scots
Is that a doughnut or a meringue?
No ye were right the first time
Will
No ye were right the first time
Will
It is better to be careful 100 times than to get killed once.
Mark Twain (1835 - 1910)
Mark Twain (1835 - 1910)
- wendolene26
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Re: Jokes only understood by the Scots
Please don't give up the day jobWillPool wrote:Is that a doughnut or a meringue?
No ye were right the first time
Will
You are only a millimetre or a millisecond away from the next incident.
- WillPool
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Re: Jokes only understood by the Scots
Haha, a very old Andy Cameron joke, my Dad used to keep telling mewendolene26 wrote:Please don't give up the day jobWillPool wrote:Is that a doughnut or a meringue?
No ye were right the first time
Will
Will
It is better to be careful 100 times than to get killed once.
Mark Twain (1835 - 1910)
Mark Twain (1835 - 1910)
- Alexis
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Re: Jokes only understood by the Scots
Your Dad and mine Will!WillPool wrote:Haha, a very old Andy Cameron joke, my Dad used to keep telling mewendolene26 wrote:Please don't give up the day jobWillPool wrote:Is that a doughnut or a meringue?
No ye were right the first time
Will
Will
"A candle loses none of its light by lighting another candle."
Hundreds of FREE Health & Safety Downloads Here
Hundreds of FREE Health & Safety Downloads Here